Way... not “the” Way

“We listen for guidance everywhere except from within.

“Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent... I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about – quite apart from what I would like it to be about – or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions.

“Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am. I must listen for the truths and values at the heart of my own identity, not the standards by which I must live – but the standards by which I cannot help but live if I am living my own life.”

• Parker Palmer Let Your Life Speak

Our society has an enduring love affair with the idea of a golden path that we are predestined to follow... the way. Parker Palmer, one of the most influential people in my life (also a brilliant author and a Quaker), teaches us that it is wrong to call it “the way.” Way is plentiful and without limit. No matter where you're at in life, no matter how much you think you're screwed up and lost, Way can manifest itself and guide you to a happier healthier life. Way is quiet and shy as kittens, you have to seek it; if you're not looking for it, you will never know it's there. Like a vast hall of doors, we can choose to enter only one at a time; some of these options are better than others. There is usually no single choice that is the best, but God is always opening some doors and holding others closed. Have faith, and when the time is right, Way will open.

Sometimes we are so intent on going through a particular door, a particular way, that we are pounding on it with both fists or using an ax to get through! Sometimes we want it bad enough to die trying to go down a road we were never intended to travel. Yet when you sit back, take a deep breath, and wait for Way to manifest itself, you will often realize that a different door has been sitting open all along. I'm going to spoil the ending and tell you that this door probably doesn't lead to the place you wanted. Rather, it leads to a place so much better, that one can't help but shrink to his knees and tremble before the power and wisdom of the universe.

My life has been a textbook (or comic book) example of pounding on closed doors. I wanted to go down a path so earnestly that I bloodied my fists with pounding. I was so intent on marrying a wonderful girl in the temple, that I went so far as to get engaged (Diamond ring (fake) for sale $1500, call me). That ended in a complete mental breakdown... mental Hiroshima, if you will. I was a broken man. All I could do over the next couple of months was to mourn the loss of my precious pre-chosen path and wallow in confusion over where to go from there.

As with Palmer's experience, I learned that Way is rarely manifest in the easy, primary-song method. We desperately want to pray or meditate about what we should do in any given problem; after a certain amount of time, we expect God, the Universe, or Way to make the right path known to us (hopefully within 15 minutes because America's Next Top Model will be coming on). Shame on those of you who demand haste from the mysteries of the universe. Respect and honor the Way.  

Way often does open in front of us, but often we receive guidance when Way closes. When your yellow brick road crumbles, your small business fails, or your 5-year plan collapses, the true way becomes at least a little clearer.

“There is as much guidance in what does not and cannot happen in my life as there is in what can and does – maybe more.

“There is as much guidance in way that closes behind us as there is in way that opens ahead of us. The opening may reveal our potentials while the closing may reveal our limits – two sides of the same coin, the coin called identity...

“We must take the no of the way that closes and find the guidance it has to offer – and take the yes of the way that opens and respond with the yes of our lives”

I shutter to think of all the heartbreaking choices that people are going through out there. Some of you are struggling with the expectations that your loved ones have for you to go on a mission or otherwise conform. For some of you, this battle is reaching a climax at a time in your life when you have the obligations of children and a spouse. I pray for you. Your burden is great. DO NOT accept counsel from anybody on either side of this great debate who has the audacity to suggest that there is a one-step easy solution to your situation. Neither the “Come out already!” crowd nor the “All you gotta do is be alone the rest of your life, what's the big deal?” group know you as well as you do or as well as your creator does. Your life has a unique path and only your spirit has the right to communion with the great powers of this universe to reveal the right path for you. Once Way has come into your life, it will take courage... tremendous courage and fortitude to walk that path.

For all of you who were advised by your church leaders to marry as a solution to your homosexuality, you hold a special place in my heart. There must be tens of thousands of you who followed this counsel over the years. Many of you have children. I have known loneliness, but I would venture to guess that a mixed orientation marriage would be the loneliest place on this earth. If, and only if, you feel like your path leads you to living your life as a gay man, please consider this: “One dwells with God by being faithful to one's nature. One crosses God by trying to be something one is not. Reality – including one's own – is divine, to be not defied but honored.” You must live your life; your children and loved ones have the choice to be a part of your new life or not. You didn't have a choice to be who you are. A crushing portion of the accountability for your situation lies with those who unwisely and without authority counseled you to enter a sacred covenant to fix something they did not understand and did not care to understand. Their haste has resulted in incalculable torment and wretchedness.

“We have places of fear inside of us, but we have other places as well – places with names like trust and hope and faith. We can choose to lead from one of those places, to stand on ground that is not riddled with the fault lines of fear, to move toward others from a place of promise instead of anxiety. As we stand in one of those places, fear may remain close at hand and our spirits may still tremble. But now we stand on ground that will support us, ground from which we can lead others toward a more trustworthy, more hopeful, more faithful way of being in the world”

Brothers, maybe it's time we listened for guidence from within.  "God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”

Gratitute:

Parker J Palmer, Let Your Life Speak (San Francisco, CA:Jossey-Bass, 2000)

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Gays are the X-Men

Ok, so we're not actually the X-Men, and as far as I know, none of the X-Men are openly gay. I have my suspicions, however, about that hunky Cyclops. I just came from my weekly get-together with The Village where we had possibly the most fascinating discussion about the homosexual experience that I have ever had. We dedicated a good portion of our hour-long interaction to the tremendous similarities between these fictional comic book characters and the real-life feelings and experiences that LGBT teens and adults have in being closeted, coming out, and living life as outsiders.

For those of you who don't know very much about the X-Men, they're not your average comic book heroes. The biggest names in the world of comics are Superman, Batman, and Spiderman. These are good 'ol boy superheroes. They're invincible, mysterious, and most of all: loved and adored by the respective cities that they protect. Not so with the mutants of the X-Men. While they do have incredible super powers and abilities, their story is one of struggle, rejection, and ultimately redemption.

Mutants in the world of X-Men are born with a genetic mutation that usually doesn't manifest itself until they begin to come of age as teenagers. When these characters begin to realize that they're “freaks”, there is a cataclysmic internal struggle that erupts within each one of them. Desperate to be normal, they struggle with self-loathing, depression, and often rejection by their families.

The tragic beauty of the story is that each one of them has a unique and amazing gift. At first, these mutant teens are consumed with hate for the abnormality that is part of them, but over time, many of them awaken to the stunning exquisiteness of their individuality. When they begin to find each other, they grow in strength and purpose. As this community of misfits grows and begins to take shape, the normal population reacts with cruel and shocking brutality. Laws are passed against them, they are attacked and beaten on the streets, and lies and misinformation flood the airwaves to spread fear and hate.

I hope that by now you've begun to see some similarities to the struggles that real-life gay adolescents and adults face. Our discussion group, The Village, unanimously agreed that our homosexuality is, in fact, a gift. Let's look beyond the fact that many homosexuals have tremendous talent in art, music, writing, etc. Being gay in and of itself is a gift... a magnificent gift. One of our villagers said it very well when he said that the day he accepted his sexuality, he was overcome with the incredible sense that this was special. That this made him forever distinct from average. But what is the gift? The gift... is that at a very critical and formative time in our lives, we have to look deep within ourselves to accept that we're different... and good. We have to learn... that we are good people. Our straight friends will just give us blank stares if asked, “When did you realize that you were a heterosexual?” “When did you accept that being straight was okay?”

These questions (substitute gay for straight) often evoke tremendous meaning and passion from a gay person. The gift of homosexuality is not only our individuality, but is a mirror to the soul. How many times have you had to look into this mirror and try to figure out who you really are? How many prayers have been choked out through bitter tears while wrestling with the most fundamental questions of our very existence? There is something profound to be said for the personal insight gained through struggle and doubt. I would venture to guess that we look into this mirror often as we continue our lifelong struggle for equality, acceptance, self-acceptance, and peace. It's a gift not exclusive to the gay community, but I would say all gays have it to some degree.

In the X-Men saga, a cure is introduced to rid the world of the scourge of mutants. It is made available to any mutant who wants it. This “cure” introduces a whole new level of personal conflict for the special race of mutants. Each one of them has desperately yearned for normalcy at some point in their lives. Even those who have long accepted themselves are shaken to the core by the prospect and supposed simplicity of being “normal.” Ultimately, some of them take the cure, others do not.

Most of us have been through, or are in, a time of our lives when we would have given ANYTHING to be rid of our gift, to be loved and accepted by default by our families, friends, and by society as a whole. There are people who despise their gift. If a “gay cure” were controversially offered today, would you take it?

There was a long period of my life when I would have gladly given up everything to live the boring poorly-dressed life of a straight man. As a 13 year-old boy, the prospect of living my entire life hiding in the closet or being ridiculed as an openly gay man racked my young body with terror and despair. Fourteen years later... fourteen years of anguish, self introspection and soul-searching, I can confidently say that I would not change if given the chance. Hell no. Scarcity creates value; that's why diamonds are so precious. I do not doubt the wisdom of my creator; each one of us is invaluably precious. We were all raised as heterosexuals in a society that HIGHLY values heterosexuality. Yet here we are. “Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.” - Oscar Wilde

A special thanks to the members of The Village, whose ideas and comments constitute the bulk of this post.  

Coffee Talk is hosted weekly by The Village. See our schedule at queervillage.blogspot.com

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The Case for "Gay Mormons"

Being gay is exquisite. Especially from a spiritual perspective. When a person is gay, they experience what I can only guess is the same incredible psychological, emotional, and spiritual connection to another human being that straight people experience. If you have never been in love, just wait, you're in for an incredible ride. Gay people, however, don't get to take this most gracious of all of God's gifts for granted. To be different is to be loathed.

Since the dawn of time, human beings have REFUSED to believe in even the remote possibility that other people experience the world differently. It is SO hard for us to imagine that a good god-fearing individual could possibly be affiliated with such-and-such a political party or believe such-and-such a religion... or god forbid love another human being of the same gender. When you're gay, people have the audacity to question your God-given... God-intended right to love and be loved. Sometimes they even question your right to live.

I was born and raised in this good Church: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is so much good and light that radiates from its teachings and its profound heritage. I served my mission in Russia, the Motherland. I have seen the hand of God touch the lives of those good people and a I have felt the fire of God's spirit burning in my chest so hotly, that I could scarcely breath. I loved my mission dearly; and it taught me the greatest spiritual lessons that I have ever learned. One: trust your spirit. When your spirit hears truth, it rings true in your core. Two: God's plan for his children is complex, individualized, and exceeds our greatest comprehension. Only a tiny fraction of his plan has been revealed to us.

I came home from my mission with an insatiable zest for more... more more more. BYU had just the “Mission Part II” atmosphere I was looking for. I opened up my Spiritual Franklin Planner and scanned my “to do” list for life: Advance through the priesthood – check; have regular Family Home Evenings – check (with an asterisk for mostly good effort); Go On a Mission – Check (bonus points for this! add smiley face that winks); Get Married – no check mark. Perfect. All I gotta do now is finish this last thing, tidy up a few easy check marks like be bishop and bake some cookies for some widows and BAM... eternal bliss! Sweet sweetness!!!! I pulled out the Ward Menu (ward directory with full color semi-gloss spread) and examined the females of our small student ward. There were 11 girls that I considered adequate to fulfill my check mark. I invited two over for Sunday dinner with my roommates and fortunately, one of them seemed to like me. Within a week we had gone on two dates and were spending a lot of time together.

One magical night, the timing was right. The requisite three dates had passed and it was time for me to kiss this lovely young lady. The only hang up was that I wasn't attracted to her in any way. In fact, the thought of kissing her was pummeling my body with waves of anxiety in violent repetition. There was a ball of tension in my stomach that felt like it had a life of its own, a living breathing fist of suffering engulfed in my bowels. I pressed on. With what must have been a white face and quivering hands, I said good night... and pecked her on the lips. I did an about-face, held my breath as I calmly walked the 22 steps to my apartment, ran to the toilet and vomited violently. My heart goes out to this poor kid who was trying so hard to do what he thought was right, trying so hard to pass the hurdles to happiness, to conform to the homogony of a strict society. I'm sorry, brothers and sisters, but in my heart, I do not feel that this was what our loving Father wanted for me. Hot... hot tears, sobbing uncontrollably, and vomit shooting painfully from my nose and mouth were the highlights of my first kiss. Nor do I think the following six years of self-loathing, heart-ache and despair were anywhere near the natural and healthy life intended for a boy in his early twenties.

Dating women, then subsequently pursuing a life of asexuality resulted in a downward spiral of spiritual death and despair. These are the darkest days of my life. My calloused knees and aching heart all yearned to return home to that Father who made me. In my darkest hour, when all seemed meaningless, colorless, and void of feeling, I searched the Internet to learn how long it would require for this 100 tablet bottle of generic aspirin to still the aching heart in my chest forever. In this agony and utter anguish, I barely choked out a prayer to God, asking him what he would have me do: return to him now unsoiled, or to live my life the best I could as a gay man. The answer was sweet and peaceful “Life... choose life.”

Oh aching heart, ache... please ache, but live.

Though you cause my eyes to bleed these hot tears of sorrow, your beating life compels my eyes to see my own perfection, regardless of circumstance.  I feel no embarassment for who I am, I know no shame before my maker.

I am no more responsible for my reality, than a child is for the reality of his separating parents.
That may be hard for me to accept, just as it is hard for this mere child to understand his reality.

I'm looking at a photograph of three snot-nosed kids at my sister's birthday party, where all she got was a box of cereal: all my single mother could afford.

Yet in our poverty and need, we are blissfully happy not because of what we have or the works we've accomplished, but simply because... we are. We exist.

To be. 

I am.

One of Christ's names was that he is the great I Am. To be, is the greatest of all gifts.

Feel your being and know that you will find your life's purpose. Your life's purpose is unique to you, and it has NOTHING to do with checking off all the little checkboxes in the Mormon Franklin Planner. Life isn't about running around getting your visiting teaching done, teaching your primary lesson, avoiding smoking, avoiding the drink - check - check... yay! I made it to heaven!!! The Problem is, that you missed the entire point of life.

You came here to love others as Christ loved them, and you couldn't do that because you treated people that weren't like you like garbage, and you wouldn't let your kids play with their kids.

No, you missed the point entirely.

But the girl who, let's say, was born with no opportunity, was abused as a child, and is forced into a life of sheer anguish lives on hope for a better life.  She makes the efforts to improve her life, works hard, endures through the pain and suffering of this world, and in the mean time embodies the human spirit by fighting against wrong, enduring the unimaginable.... this girl has fulfilled her life's purpose. She has fought the good fight, and she endured the mortality that we were sent here to endure and become better in the process. This is life!  This is the human experience... to pass through this veil of tears and struggle!

I would have been the perfect Mormon: RoboMormon in fact, much like I was RoboMissionary. I would have gladly married Suzie Mormon and had 22 kids, been 2^nd Counselor in the Bishopric, and I would have LOVED it, every... second... of it. But somehow, God, in his infinite wisdom put me in a place where it WASN'T easy for me, where I WOULDN'T naturally excel, where I had to struggle for my answers. Where faith and doubt have forced me to my knees to beg my creator for answers. beg.

In those quiet hours of communion, I re-learned what I always knew: that life is far too complex for a 40 minute Sunday School lesson. The Almighty is wise, mysterious, and he doesn't make things easy for us. As Brother Holland has said many times, the business of salvation isn't easy, just ask our Savior. The only thing I can trust is my soul, and here's what rings true for me: these pure and innocent, yet powerful feelings of attraction and love for members of my own gender are given to me by a God who loves me fiercely. Nothing about these emotions feels vile or base.  Nothing...

Do not confuse pure and beautiful affection between two people of the same sex for the perversions that have too long been associated with homosexuality. Our parents and grandparents have considered homosexuals to be nothing more than pedophiles, voyeurs, exhibitionists, and deviants of the most vile degree. These sins, and the sins of promiscuity, rape, violence and debauchery are the toxins that poison the soul and destroyed the great cities of Sodom and Gomorah. The Book of Mormon, which contains the fullness of the gospel, and by divine authority could stand alone without the Bible, has not one word of condemnation against homosexuality. The four gospels of Christ are also quiet on the subject. These are the most authoritative scriptures in all of Mormonism. This leaves us with the interpretation of the modern prophets.

I love and respect the prophets and apostles of the restored gospel. These are good men with a very difficult job. They must shepherd a flock that sits and all ends of the spiritual spectrum. I believe that they are divinely appointed stewards of this Church. They are... in fact... just that: stewards. They are not gods among us, they are men, and they are fallible. Any member of the church that knows anything about the teachings and actions of the early prophets will have a very difficult time reconciling these actions without recognizing that these good men were capable of making a very few mistakes. As shepherds and stewards they lead this church as best they can with as much guidance as the Lord is willing to grant them. These stewards have full authority to set the rules of the Church around the eternal truths of the universe. They have the power to set up fences to keep their flock far from the dangers of mortality, and they have corrals to guide us to the truths that build us up.  They do not, however, have the authority to change what is true.

For example, I do not believe it is an eternal truth or genuinely offensive to God when two 15 year olds date. The stewards of the church have set up fences to protect the youth from a tricky and mature subject. These stewards could set the legal dating age at 14 or 17 or wherever they feel is a safe distance from the actual danger at hand. Likewise, it is probably not an eternal principle that families meet weekly on Mondays to spend time together and teach each other the gospel. However, this corral leads us to the true principle of family togetherness and active parental involvement. Therefore, I believe it is possible that the Good Shepherds have set the fence far from the perceived dangers of homosexuality, for in their minds this life is inseparable from the truly awful actions described above. On occasion the stewards very cautiously and very conservatively evaluate the relation between the truth and the fences and make adjustments only after years of contemplation. My heart goes out to the multi-racial couples who endured tremendous heartache for decades as the church taught this practice as wicked and vile. The leaders of this church are good men, and they are called of god, and they make mistakes on occasion.

Here is what is true for me: I met a young man who makes every pore on my body shiver, and then every shiver… shiver again with wonder. Suddenly, my veins are filled with… so much…life… life blood, that I can feel it straining my tiny capillaries, and crushing my throat with the voice of exaltation.

Whatever this… feeling… is, (love?) it's kind of like what they tell you it is in books, only you can only experience it for yourself. How can you explain to someone how it is when your body feels like it's made of light, of pure photons formed in the shape God's own glory? How can you write into song how your mind, your body, and your soul… your very old soul… combine for a brief second to see the universe in its perfect order, the conflicts of the universe in their proper role? But most of all it makes me see the self-image of the man I want to become, a better man, a perfect soul. It makes me want to be better. 

How can it be that God granted us so great a gift as love? Who are we to possess something so great in its power, so pure in its nature, so divine in its origin? In this moment, I know that God is real… no... more than real: God is.

Being gay is exquisite. We all have been given the gift of love... from God, the Almighty, and I for one can't take it for granted. I thought I was going to give up everything for this divine gift. What I didn't know, was that I wouldn't have to give up anything. I have gained more than I ever lost. It takes more courage to do what you know is right and good than to rest on the false comfort of your own works when that path leads you to misery. I had never truly seen the sun rise to illuminate our dark and desperate world. God is light. And for the first time… I am standing in the sun. My prayers are with you my gay brothers and sisters. Fight... fight the good fight.

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