The Case for "Gay Mormons"

Being gay is exquisite. Especially from a spiritual perspective. When a person is gay, they experience what I can only guess is the same incredible psychological, emotional, and spiritual connection to another human being that straight people experience. If you have never been in love, just wait, you're in for an incredible ride. Gay people, however, don't get to take this most gracious of all of God's gifts for granted. To be different is to be loathed.

Since the dawn of time, human beings have REFUSED to believe in even the remote possibility that other people experience the world differently. It is SO hard for us to imagine that a good god-fearing individual could possibly be affiliated with such-and-such a political party or believe such-and-such a religion... or god forbid love another human being of the same gender. When you're gay, people have the audacity to question your God-given... God-intended right to love and be loved. Sometimes they even question your right to live.

I was born and raised in this good Church: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is so much good and light that radiates from its teachings and its profound heritage. I served my mission in Russia, the Motherland. I have seen the hand of God touch the lives of those good people and a I have felt the fire of God's spirit burning in my chest so hotly, that I could scarcely breath. I loved my mission dearly; and it taught me the greatest spiritual lessons that I have ever learned. One: trust your spirit. When your spirit hears truth, it rings true in your core. Two: God's plan for his children is complex, individualized, and exceeds our greatest comprehension. Only a tiny fraction of his plan has been revealed to us.

I came home from my mission with an insatiable zest for more... more more more. BYU had just the “Mission Part II” atmosphere I was looking for. I opened up my Spiritual Franklin Planner and scanned my “to do” list for life: Advance through the priesthood – check; have regular Family Home Evenings – check (with an asterisk for mostly good effort); Go On a Mission – Check (bonus points for this! add smiley face that winks); Get Married – no check mark. Perfect. All I gotta do now is finish this last thing, tidy up a few easy check marks like be bishop and bake some cookies for some widows and BAM... eternal bliss! Sweet sweetness!!!! I pulled out the Ward Menu (ward directory with full color semi-gloss spread) and examined the females of our small student ward. There were 11 girls that I considered adequate to fulfill my check mark. I invited two over for Sunday dinner with my roommates and fortunately, one of them seemed to like me. Within a week we had gone on two dates and were spending a lot of time together.

One magical night, the timing was right. The requisite three dates had passed and it was time for me to kiss this lovely young lady. The only hang up was that I wasn't attracted to her in any way. In fact, the thought of kissing her was pummeling my body with waves of anxiety in violent repetition. There was a ball of tension in my stomach that felt like it had a life of its own, a living breathing fist of suffering engulfed in my bowels. I pressed on. With what must have been a white face and quivering hands, I said good night... and pecked her on the lips. I did an about-face, held my breath as I calmly walked the 22 steps to my apartment, ran to the toilet and vomited violently. My heart goes out to this poor kid who was trying so hard to do what he thought was right, trying so hard to pass the hurdles to happiness, to conform to the homogony of a strict society. I'm sorry, brothers and sisters, but in my heart, I do not feel that this was what our loving Father wanted for me. Hot... hot tears, sobbing uncontrollably, and vomit shooting painfully from my nose and mouth were the highlights of my first kiss. Nor do I think the following six years of self-loathing, heart-ache and despair were anywhere near the natural and healthy life intended for a boy in his early twenties.

Dating women, then subsequently pursuing a life of asexuality resulted in a downward spiral of spiritual death and despair. These are the darkest days of my life. My calloused knees and aching heart all yearned to return home to that Father who made me. In my darkest hour, when all seemed meaningless, colorless, and void of feeling, I searched the Internet to learn how long it would require for this 100 tablet bottle of generic aspirin to still the aching heart in my chest forever. In this agony and utter anguish, I barely choked out a prayer to God, asking him what he would have me do: return to him now unsoiled, or to live my life the best I could as a gay man. The answer was sweet and peaceful “Life... choose life.”

Oh aching heart, ache... please ache, but live.

Though you cause my eyes to bleed these hot tears of sorrow, your beating life compels my eyes to see my own perfection, regardless of circumstance.  I feel no embarassment for who I am, I know no shame before my maker.

I am no more responsible for my reality, than a child is for the reality of his separating parents.
That may be hard for me to accept, just as it is hard for this mere child to understand his reality.

I'm looking at a photograph of three snot-nosed kids at my sister's birthday party, where all she got was a box of cereal: all my single mother could afford.

Yet in our poverty and need, we are blissfully happy not because of what we have or the works we've accomplished, but simply because... we are. We exist.

To be. 

I am.

One of Christ's names was that he is the great I Am. To be, is the greatest of all gifts.

Feel your being and know that you will find your life's purpose. Your life's purpose is unique to you, and it has NOTHING to do with checking off all the little checkboxes in the Mormon Franklin Planner. Life isn't about running around getting your visiting teaching done, teaching your primary lesson, avoiding smoking, avoiding the drink - check - check... yay! I made it to heaven!!! The Problem is, that you missed the entire point of life.

You came here to love others as Christ loved them, and you couldn't do that because you treated people that weren't like you like garbage, and you wouldn't let your kids play with their kids.

No, you missed the point entirely.

But the girl who, let's say, was born with no opportunity, was abused as a child, and is forced into a life of sheer anguish lives on hope for a better life.  She makes the efforts to improve her life, works hard, endures through the pain and suffering of this world, and in the mean time embodies the human spirit by fighting against wrong, enduring the unimaginable.... this girl has fulfilled her life's purpose. She has fought the good fight, and she endured the mortality that we were sent here to endure and become better in the process. This is life!  This is the human experience... to pass through this veil of tears and struggle!

I would have been the perfect Mormon: RoboMormon in fact, much like I was RoboMissionary. I would have gladly married Suzie Mormon and had 22 kids, been 2^nd Counselor in the Bishopric, and I would have LOVED it, every... second... of it. But somehow, God, in his infinite wisdom put me in a place where it WASN'T easy for me, where I WOULDN'T naturally excel, where I had to struggle for my answers. Where faith and doubt have forced me to my knees to beg my creator for answers. beg.

In those quiet hours of communion, I re-learned what I always knew: that life is far too complex for a 40 minute Sunday School lesson. The Almighty is wise, mysterious, and he doesn't make things easy for us. As Brother Holland has said many times, the business of salvation isn't easy, just ask our Savior. The only thing I can trust is my soul, and here's what rings true for me: these pure and innocent, yet powerful feelings of attraction and love for members of my own gender are given to me by a God who loves me fiercely. Nothing about these emotions feels vile or base.  Nothing...

Do not confuse pure and beautiful affection between two people of the same sex for the perversions that have too long been associated with homosexuality. Our parents and grandparents have considered homosexuals to be nothing more than pedophiles, voyeurs, exhibitionists, and deviants of the most vile degree. These sins, and the sins of promiscuity, rape, violence and debauchery are the toxins that poison the soul and destroyed the great cities of Sodom and Gomorah. The Book of Mormon, which contains the fullness of the gospel, and by divine authority could stand alone without the Bible, has not one word of condemnation against homosexuality. The four gospels of Christ are also quiet on the subject. These are the most authoritative scriptures in all of Mormonism. This leaves us with the interpretation of the modern prophets.

I love and respect the prophets and apostles of the restored gospel. These are good men with a very difficult job. They must shepherd a flock that sits and all ends of the spiritual spectrum. I believe that they are divinely appointed stewards of this Church. They are... in fact... just that: stewards. They are not gods among us, they are men, and they are fallible. Any member of the church that knows anything about the teachings and actions of the early prophets will have a very difficult time reconciling these actions without recognizing that these good men were capable of making a very few mistakes. As shepherds and stewards they lead this church as best they can with as much guidance as the Lord is willing to grant them. These stewards have full authority to set the rules of the Church around the eternal truths of the universe. They have the power to set up fences to keep their flock far from the dangers of mortality, and they have corrals to guide us to the truths that build us up.  They do not, however, have the authority to change what is true.

For example, I do not believe it is an eternal truth or genuinely offensive to God when two 15 year olds date. The stewards of the church have set up fences to protect the youth from a tricky and mature subject. These stewards could set the legal dating age at 14 or 17 or wherever they feel is a safe distance from the actual danger at hand. Likewise, it is probably not an eternal principle that families meet weekly on Mondays to spend time together and teach each other the gospel. However, this corral leads us to the true principle of family togetherness and active parental involvement. Therefore, I believe it is possible that the Good Shepherds have set the fence far from the perceived dangers of homosexuality, for in their minds this life is inseparable from the truly awful actions described above. On occasion the stewards very cautiously and very conservatively evaluate the relation between the truth and the fences and make adjustments only after years of contemplation. My heart goes out to the multi-racial couples who endured tremendous heartache for decades as the church taught this practice as wicked and vile. The leaders of this church are good men, and they are called of god, and they make mistakes on occasion.

Here is what is true for me: I met a young man who makes every pore on my body shiver, and then every shiver… shiver again with wonder. Suddenly, my veins are filled with… so much…life… life blood, that I can feel it straining my tiny capillaries, and crushing my throat with the voice of exaltation.

Whatever this… feeling… is, (love?) it's kind of like what they tell you it is in books, only you can only experience it for yourself. How can you explain to someone how it is when your body feels like it's made of light, of pure photons formed in the shape God's own glory? How can you write into song how your mind, your body, and your soul… your very old soul… combine for a brief second to see the universe in its perfect order, the conflicts of the universe in their proper role? But most of all it makes me see the self-image of the man I want to become, a better man, a perfect soul. It makes me want to be better. 

How can it be that God granted us so great a gift as love? Who are we to possess something so great in its power, so pure in its nature, so divine in its origin? In this moment, I know that God is real… no... more than real: God is.

Being gay is exquisite. We all have been given the gift of love... from God, the Almighty, and I for one can't take it for granted. I thought I was going to give up everything for this divine gift. What I didn't know, was that I wouldn't have to give up anything. I have gained more than I ever lost. It takes more courage to do what you know is right and good than to rest on the false comfort of your own works when that path leads you to misery. I had never truly seen the sun rise to illuminate our dark and desperate world. God is light. And for the first time… I am standing in the sun. My prayers are with you my gay brothers and sisters. Fight... fight the good fight.